HLC Playoffs Halftime Show – Round 1, Week 1

Kevin Burkhardt: Welcome, folks, to the HLC Halftime Report! I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, aren’t these the baseball guys?” Yes, we are. But due to some… budgeting constraints in the HLC, they couldn’t afford NFL analysts. So here we are—A-Rod, Big Papi, Derek Jeter, and myself—breaking down these matchups for what I’d describe as… deeply discounted rates. Let’s dive into it!

A-Rod: Yeah, Kev, first off—this is playoff football, but let me tell you, it’s starting to feel like October baseball for the Austin Tourists. These guys are dialed in. Josh Allen? 41 points. That’s like hitting two grand slams in the first five innings. They’re up 58 points on the Rockport Leatherheads, and honestly, this is looking like a blowout unless Rockport pulls off a miracle next week.

Big Papi: (loudly, interrupting) Whoa, whoa, whoa—NOT SO FAST, big guy! You Yankees always think it’s over too soon. You remember 2004, right? Rockport isn’t done yet. Not by a long shot! They’ve still got some bats in the lineup! James Cook, 26 points. My man Tee Higgins, 19 points. That’s a solid start! If the rest of the Leatherheads show up, they can close this gap faster than the Red Sox closed the Yankees’ World Series dreams in 2004! (laughs loudly, clapping his hands)

Derek Jeter: Straight to the point, Papi. Rockport does need a miracle, but let’s talk about the Jaybirds. This is the number 2 seed we’re talking about—one of the best teams all season. They’re sitting at 10 wins, just like Rockport, and they dominated most of the year. But now they’re down 35 points to the New Mexico Lobos. Joe Burrow? 16 points. That’s not going to get it done in the playoffs.

Kevin: And let’s not forget—New Mexico is no stranger to this stage. The Lobos have been here before. Two straight trips to the championship game, and they won it all in 2022. Jalen Hurts and CeeDee Lamb are playing like it’s championship weekend already. For the Jaybirds, though, it’s gut-check time. Amon-Ra St. Brown is carrying their offense in the first half but the rest of the team needs to step up. If you’re the number 2 seed and one of the only teams with double-digit wins, you’ve got to respond.

A-Rod: Exactly, Kev. The Jaybirds didn’t get to 10 wins by luck. They’ve got the talent, but in the playoffs, you can’t afford slow starts. Joe Burrow and D.J. Moore have to bring it in Week 16, or the Jaybirds’ season ends in disappointment.

Big Papi: Ahh, but it’s not over yet, my friend! The Jaybirds have been the best team in the East all year. They’ve got fight in them. You don’t win 10 games without some fire in the lineup. They’re down, yes, but I’ve seen teams come back before. (grinning) Right, Derek?

Derek Jeter: (deadpan) I was waiting for that one.

Kevin: (laughing) All right, let’s rein it back in, guys. Over in the Consolation Ladder, we’ve got some tight matchups. The Tortilla Flats Troubadours are up 10 points on the Robots. Lamar Jackson? 36 points. That’s a monster performance.

Big Papi: Yeah, but the Robots—man, they’ve got Justin Jefferson and Aaron Jones keeping them in this. Ten points? That’s nothing. This is like being down one run heading into the ninth inning. You know what it reminds me of?

A-Rod: (rolling his eyes) Let me guess, 2004 again?

Big Papi: (grinning) You already know, baby!

Derek Jeter: (shaking his head) Over in the other Consolation matchup, the defending champion Michiana Muskellunge finally woke up. Jared Goff? 41 points. Jahmyr Gibbs? 28 points. That’s the kind of performance they needed all year long. They’re up 21 points on the Tacos, who started strong behind Baker Mayfield and Malik Nabers but couldn’t keep up.

Kevin: And for Michiana, this is about pride. Their season’s been a disaster, but finishing strong—and securing that first overall draft pick—gives them something to build on for next year.

A-Rod: Exactly, Kev. Look, you don’t quit in sports, whether it’s fantasy football or the big leagues. You finish strong. That’s what the Muskies are showing.

Big Papi: That’s right! So let’s break it down. The Troubs hold a slim lead, and the Muskies look like they’re finally back on track. The Tourists are cruising, but Rockport—don’t count them out yet! The Lobos are in control, but the Jaybirds—man, they’ve been too good all year to go down without a fight!

Kevin: As we head into Week 16, it’s do-or-die time. Will Austin and New Mexico hold on? Can the Leatherheads and Jaybirds rally back? And who’ll take home the Consolation Ladder bragging rights? We’ll find out soon enough.

Big Papi: (pointing at the camera) Hey, Jaybirds! Hey, Rockport! Don’t give up! Just ask A-Rod and my man Derek about comebacks!

Derek Jeter: (sighs) You’re unbelievable.

Kevin: And on that note, we’ll take you back to the field for the second half. Goodnight, everyone!